I've felt two earthquakes in the past month - little ones, but they were still enough to make me feel a little nauseous and discombobulated. These mini-quakes are rumored to be precursors to THE BIG ONE. Shit's scary!

Speaking of scary...I had the biggest audition of my life thus far this week! Eek! My Manager called me Wednesday to say all of her calling into Casting and talking me up had paid off and she had pulled an audition for the role of "Hot Blonde" on FX's Nip/Tuck. I spent the remainder of Wednesday working on the sides (one scene/two lines/six words...it was pretty tough), freaking out about the zit on my forehead, and pouring through my memory bank for advice from old acting teachers and casting workshops. How to make casting fall in love with you with six words?!?! I ended up just working as I would any other piece (and wearing a really sexy outfit). Driving to the casting office in the valley, my feet were shaking so badly I thought I might crash, and my nerves were certainly not quelled by the multitude of Hot Blondes that greeted me in the casting waiting room. I distracted myself by focusing on breathing and checking out all of the Hot Blonde's shoes. Lots of cute shoes in that office!

The actual audition lasted less than a minute, but the reader and guy filming were very kind, very receptive. I felt good about it, was happy with my work, etc. etc... and walked out confident my cute shoes were up to par with the rest of 'em. I haven't heard anything back, usually a sign that I did not get the part, but I did it! I had survived a BIG ONE, dignity intact.

The more earthquakes I feel, the more I get used to their oddity. Same thing with auditions. I'm still having trouble adjusting to adulthood...but I that's another story for another day. Til then, take care, and if an earthquake hits remember to get under a table - the whole doorframe thing is a myth/only refers to realllly old adobe buildings.

People often express curiosity – “what are you really up to out there in LA?” My response is usually to direct them to my blog, which, although honest and informative, is often based on my bored-at-work-on-a-Saturday mood and colored with an I’m-okay-don’t-worry-about-me cheerful veneer. Not to say it’s entirely inaccurate, but I get a feeling people are more curious about the stumbling blocks, the juicy gossip, the tales from pounding the pavement, and I haven’t really blogged that yet.

Part of the reason I'm somewhat loathe to share the negative aspects of pursuing an artistic career is my inability to admit failure. For example, I received word back from NYFringe this week that the one woman show I wrote was not accepted to this year's festival. I scanned the letter they sent for the important words, put it back in its' envelope, ate my sushi and had a full glass of wine before I admitted to Chrissy I didn't get in. She's my best friend and I couldn't even tell her. Same exact thing when I received an e-mail about the casting decision on a film I recently had a callback for. It's as if saying it aloud makes it real, whereas if I stay silent maybe people will forget I ever tried.

Another reason is that I don't want to come off as a come off as a whiny, self-absorbed jerk. Life is hard for everyone, and afterall, I chose to pursue this profession with full awareness of the challenges. (Okay, I was aware, but the dull pain of repetitively being told NO! is a lot harder to stomach in reality)

My very good friend and mentor, Bailey, has done a great deal to help me overcome my self-doubting, at times self-destructive mentality. Rather than condescending to me, or poor-poor babying me, or saying "at least you tried" or "shoot for the moon" or some other bullshit philosophy, he regaled me with the story of some guy who had a recipe he believed in and literally knocked on one thousand doors til someone else believed in him and gave him a bunch of money, and now he has a sauce empire or something like that. I have no idea why this story comforts me, but basically the idea is that one should take pride in their failure, charting it just as they would any accomplishment. Bailey calls it "Collecting the No's."

I've tried to do the Math - I've been here for nearly ten months, actively auditioning for 9; every day I get approx. 30 breakdowns for casting and submit for about 7:

9(30*7) = 1890 submissions

Of those submissions, only a handful lead to auditions - some months have seen 0 auditions, others a dozen (so average is 6):

1890 - (6*9) = 1836 No's

OR I could look just at auditions; of the approximately 54 auditions, I've booked 3 shows, 1 low budget feature, 1 modeling gig, and I think that's it:

54 - 5 = 49 No's

So! I either have 836 more No's than that sauce guy got, or I have 951 No's still to go. Either way, I am well on my way to someone believing in me as an artist and maybe (!!!!!) becoming a working actor.

This week was rough, marking the one-year anniversary of an ex-roommate's sudden death, receiving word that a lot of relatives and friends and people at the Home are ill or dying, one of my jobs being unable to pay me, waking up to my roommate's dog's shit in the hallway every morning...so hearing that two projects that I obviously would have loved to work on didn't pan out as I hoped felt, well, appropriate. But if I sink into a stink every time something doesn't work out, I will never, ever get out of my bed. Therefore, I am resolved to continue collecting the No's.

Whew! Okay, I admitted it. I fail. A lot. Now you know what's up.

I had a dream during my nap this afternoon that Chrissy and Teresa came to visit me at work and started setting stuff on fire. I was so fricken pissed at them, but then Chrissy talked her way into getting a job there, so I was happy again. Weird.

We've been discussing dreams a lot lately at Sierra Bonita, largely because none of us would have dreamt we would be where we are right now just one year ago. Driving around Melrose last night with Spice Girls  blasting, I was reminded that living with these girls has been a dream since 5th grade. I'm happy that, just like the lyrics to "2 Become 1," I haven't forgotten my intention to surround myself with people I love and work that stimulates me. I'm livin the dream (and yes, I am a big cheesy dork).

I just got home from another incredible rehearsal for my latest show - a Viewpoints workshop devised piece about Pandora's Box. We rehearse on the rooftop of a big parking garage at the campus of Cal State Northridge, where we watch the sunset on the mountains surrounding us in every direction. Viewpoints work is a series of exercises/improvs that is very playful, instinctual, and focused, so the whole experience is really refreshing and physically demanding. We worked for nearly 4 hours tonight, and even though I was coming off an 8.5 hour work day and 3 hours of sleep, I feel incredibly alive, refreshed mentally and physically. 

I totally jinxed myself in regards to auditions in my last post. Aside from one at Glendale Center Theatre this week, I didn't go on any and I don't have any more planned for this week. Oh well. Whattayagonnado.

Hmmm let's see...I think that's all I want to share right now. I'll close with a quote I stole from my friend Mackenzie from my Showcase that I am currently digging:

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: a human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create... By some strange, inward urgency, he is not alive unless he is creating." Pearl S. Buck

Love and best to everyone!

According to activityconnection.com, March is officially Optimism Month, which is pretty fitting considering I feel incredibly optimistic right now. It is also Women's History month, Cake in a Box Month (wtf?!), Dominoes Month, Deaf History Month, and the month where you celebrate the birth of my father and bro. Lots going on - lots to share! Where do I even begin?

Last night was the wrap party for The Anniversary, the comedic feature I recently finished working on with John Campea of TheMovieBlog.com and Robert Sanchez of IESB.com (a still from the movie w/ me and Jason Contini is above this post). They had it at Golden Apple Comics store on Melrose, which supposedly is the best comic book store in LA and, subsequently, the world. So here I am, chatting up some Bloggers at the Coolest Comic Book Store in the world, and I catch wind of plans to screen the film at Comicon in San Diego this summer, which excites me terribly, and I'm thinking - I am either the biggest geek or really fricken cool right now. Everyone was sounding very optimistic about the film being ready by then, as well as the interest we are generating for distribution, so I think I'm gonna allow myself to feel sweet right now. Then a strapping young Australian man kidnapped me...

Speaking of distribution, the feature I acted in in college recently signed a distribution deal!!! I don't know all of the details yet, but I am geekin at the prospect of Relative Obscurity being seen by a wider audience than the festival circuit we went on, oh, two/three years ago. More on that at a later date, I guess :)

Tonight begins rehearsals for the movement piece I auditioned for last week. The director, Ben Cox, will be leading us in a Viewpoints workshop every week until mid-April, when we will perform our creation in NoHo. The devised piece will be centered around Pandora's box. I LOVE first days of rehearsal - it's like the first day of school; who am I gonna meet? Will the director like me? Will I like working with the director? and then the added question with a devised piece - will we be collaborating on something amazing or will our ideals fall flat? I am reminded of one of my favorite poems, "I Dwell in Possibility" by Emily Dickinson:

I dwell in Possibility--
A fairer House than Prose--
More numerous of Windows--
Superior--for Doors -

Of Chambers as the Cedars--
Impregnable of Eye--
And for an Everlasting Roof
The Gambrels of the Sky--

Of Visitors--the fairest--
For Occupation--This--
The spreading wide my narrow Hands
To gather Paradise.

It's a good thing I choose to dwell in possibility, because otherwise I most certainly would not be able to make it through some of these auditions I go on. I considered this the other day as I drove up Sunset Blvd., resume and headshot in hand. I really don't get nervous to audition - performing is fun, and if they don't like me, screw it, I can't be bothered with why that might be. But getting to an audition - driving in, parking, walking around a strange building, sitting, waiting, walking in a strange room with strange people - is absolutely terrifying! It's not like I'm fearful for my safety or my pride or anything, but to put yourself out there, to literally take that step, one foot after another, when it is just as easy to get back in your car, sit down/shut up/just not do it, is harddd. I literally have to talk to myself, convince myself of the beauty of uncertainty, remind myself of the excitement in possibility, so I can get the courage to walk in. I imagine the best way to explain this sensation to non-auditioners is to equate it to a first kiss with someone you realllly, really like. You know you should do it, you know you want to, but every fiber in your body is paralyzed with a kinda icky/kinda fun feeling buzzing through it. Then you shit your pants. Ha. Just kidding.

One of the reasons I am so optimistic right now is that auditions have really started to pick up. I didn't have a single one for the month of January, and just in the past ten days I have had 5, with two more happening tomorrow. Crazy! Everyone had been talking about how slow breakdowns were, but I was getting worried there for a minute. I always book my own work, so I felt I only had myself to blame for not getting out there. I hope it didn't just jinx things by saying that. Eek.

My lovely friend Chelsea invited me to a screening of the new Judd Apatow movie, Funny People, which I went to see at the Jimmy Stewart screening room at Sony Studios this past Thursday. So many funny people in it! The cut was still 3+ hours long, so Mr. Apatow asked for feedback re: what worked, what story lines were strongest, etc. It was fascinating to see such a large movie still in the development process, and fun to see Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen in the flesh. Good times - it's going to be a really funny movie.

News from the Homefront: Bambina, the foster dog Teresa and Chrissy have been caring for has found a permanent home. Not missing a beat, Teresa brought home another dog, this time smaller and kinda hump-crazy. Dylan and I agree, that girl needs to get a boyfriend (Teresa, not the dog). Chrissy has a guest from college in town and is still on the job hunt, working at the record label with me two days a week. Our landlord came over this week to "inspect the fire alarms" and interrogated me about how many people live in our place, what all the boys clothes were doing on the floor of Dylan's room, and gave the two yelping dogs a good long stare. We still haven't been kicked out though, so I think we are in the clear. I'm excited about going on a hike tomorrow and brainstorming/researching an LA Theatre website I want to build, as well as the prospect of my siblings coming out for a visit this spring. So yeah, March is gonna be good! That's all for now...

It is a sad day in West Hollywood today, folks. I found out first thing this morning that Clinton, my favorite resident at the Assisted Living home, passed away. I know, it is awful to have favorites, but there wasn't a day when Clinton wouldn't stop by my desk to deliver some long-winded poetic compliment and then ask me to come to lunch with him, or go paint with him, or run away with him. He was a charmer, a goofball, an academic, lover of music and art, and a dear friend these past couple of months. In a town where it is easy to feel worthless and uninteresting, Clinton found value in something as little as a smile, and he always knew a way to bring one to my face. He will be greatly missed.

It is somewhat ironic that my thoughts are focused on death and dying this morning, as I have an audition this afternoon for a Peg Entwistle photo series. Peg is best known as the actress who committed suicide by jumping off the Hollywood sign, although she had some minor success in theatre and film. Teresa helped me curl my hair and get into more period style, but I'm not sure how else I can prepare for it. No doubt the project will be centered around her final moments - I just wonder how effectively I can play a suicidal person when I am still digesting the idea Clinton has passed on. The work could either break open a floodgate of emotion I've been holding back all day at work, or leave me paralyzed and unfeeling. Or it could be just fine...I guess I will have to wait and see.

Later on tonight I have an audition for a movement theatre piece with a focus on Viewpoints. It would be an absolute luxury to be involved in a project like this - workshopping and moving and collaborating and creating, just like the good ol' days in William Fisher or Rebecca Vernooy's class in college. I'm allowed to bring in anything to the audition room, so I am planning on presenting my headstand and a song in French, maybe a lil excerpt from my show. I'm so delighted to be out and about auditioning, so hopefully the rest of today will go more smoothly than the start.

It's strange - I have dealt with more death in the past ten months than I have in my entire 21 years proceeding. I already feel somewhat old and weathered by the experiences, which I know is pretty stupid considering I am so young, and to be frank, still have so much to lose. I realize that loss is a part of the job here at the home, but there is still a part of me that is overwhelmed and shocked by it. I don't want to become accustomed to seeing people die. Perhaps, though, the experience is good rehearsal for the more challenging losses I have yet to encounter in my life.