"why don't you shut off the lights, close up shop, and come sit with me"

It is a sad day in West Hollywood today, folks. I found out first thing this morning that Clinton, my favorite resident at the Assisted Living home, passed away. I know, it is awful to have favorites, but there wasn't a day when Clinton wouldn't stop by my desk to deliver some long-winded poetic compliment and then ask me to come to lunch with him, or go paint with him, or run away with him. He was a charmer, a goofball, an academic, lover of music and art, and a dear friend these past couple of months. In a town where it is easy to feel worthless and uninteresting, Clinton found value in something as little as a smile, and he always knew a way to bring one to my face. He will be greatly missed.

It is somewhat ironic that my thoughts are focused on death and dying this morning, as I have an audition this afternoon for a Peg Entwistle photo series. Peg is best known as the actress who committed suicide by jumping off the Hollywood sign, although she had some minor success in theatre and film. Teresa helped me curl my hair and get into more period style, but I'm not sure how else I can prepare for it. No doubt the project will be centered around her final moments - I just wonder how effectively I can play a suicidal person when I am still digesting the idea Clinton has passed on. The work could either break open a floodgate of emotion I've been holding back all day at work, or leave me paralyzed and unfeeling. Or it could be just fine...I guess I will have to wait and see.

Later on tonight I have an audition for a movement theatre piece with a focus on Viewpoints. It would be an absolute luxury to be involved in a project like this - workshopping and moving and collaborating and creating, just like the good ol' days in William Fisher or Rebecca Vernooy's class in college. I'm allowed to bring in anything to the audition room, so I am planning on presenting my headstand and a song in French, maybe a lil excerpt from my show. I'm so delighted to be out and about auditioning, so hopefully the rest of today will go more smoothly than the start.

It's strange - I have dealt with more death in the past ten months than I have in my entire 21 years proceeding. I already feel somewhat old and weathered by the experiences, which I know is pretty stupid considering I am so young, and to be frank, still have so much to lose. I realize that loss is a part of the job here at the home, but there is still a part of me that is overwhelmed and shocked by it. I don't want to become accustomed to seeing people die. Perhaps, though, the experience is good rehearsal for the more challenging losses I have yet to encounter in my life.